i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I smell like Dick and happiness
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