I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
