I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
