if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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