my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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