turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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