I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
how does that bad decision feel?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
