I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
