I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
