There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So many bounce houses so little time
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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