The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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