I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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