My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize