every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
