So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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