I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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