i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
