I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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