nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wanna passion pit in your ass
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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