He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
