At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
