haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
