my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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