nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
