Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
