new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize