Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
