If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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