Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
