I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
