Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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