you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
