I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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