If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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