You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
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