did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
