Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
