Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
another moral hangover. fuck.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
