I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
