Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
