when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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