It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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