I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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