I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I would ride that face into the sunset
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Oh god it's open bar.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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