Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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