I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
