I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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