The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Randomize