Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
