ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
