So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
