Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
