Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
