She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
only if we run a train.
done.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
