Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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