someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
