I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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