Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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