The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
