first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
